Gifts not to give this holiday season
With Christmahanakwanza right around the corner, you’ve probably finished up with all your shopping. But if you’ve decided to wait until the last minute, here are some gifts that people should never, ever buy for that special gamer in their life.
- A non-black T-shirt
- A really nice pen
- Anything “collectible”
- Snacks that don’t end in “tos”
- The Book of Erotic Fantasy
- 12-sided dice
- The Dungeons and Dragons Movie
- Anything from Hot Topic (if you’re a parent)
A t-shirt is the way a gamer expresses him- or herself to the world. They tell passers-by that “I’m here to lay pipe” or that they’re big fans of Mythbusters and they “reject your reality and substitute [their] own.” But, of course, statements of this nature don’t belong on just any t-shirt. No. They belong on a black t-shirt. The message is loud and clear: “Don’t hate me because I’m awesome!”
Seriously? A pen?! First, they’re just going to lose it. Second, pencils are where it’s at. You can’t erase hit points with a pen. You can’t up your stats with a pen. What were you thinking?!
Don’t get me wrong, collectible items are cool, but gamers want to play with their toys. They want to hold them in their hands and make pew pew! sounds while pretending to shoot their coworkers. That replica 13th century broadsword you gave your nephew? Yeah, right now there’s a houseplant missing it’s top six inches of stalk and the cat is scared ****less.
You’re at Sam’s Club, or some other “buy in bulk” store, and you decide you need to get your gamer a plethora of snacks to tide them over for a month or two. Do you reach for the pretzels? No! Peanuts? No! Beef Jerky? N… maybe… what? Oh yeah. No! You buy something from the fifth food group: The “tos” food group. That’s Cheetos, Doritos, Fritos, and/or Tostitos. Write it down if necessary.
Seriously, if you’re going to get this for a gamer, just buy them a subscription to Playboy instead.
Hit points gained per level in Fourth Edition are static numbers now. Even barbarians now find d12’s useless. 12-sided dice are the redheaded stepchildren of the dice industry. If you buy them, your gamer will hate you forever, guaranteed*.
*This is not a guarantee.
I know the impulse is strong. It’s about D&D. It’s in the bargain bin. Your gamer will love it, right? Wrong. They will loathe it. They will spit on you and attempt to ruin everything that is good in your life. They will curse you to live out a sad existence of spinsterhood surrounded only by your cats and memories of loved ones who no longer call. Or they will laugh and want to watch it with you to poke fun at it. Just brace yourself for deep disappointment either way.
This is not because gamers don’t like Hot Topic. In fact, a lot of younger gamers love Hot Topic. But if you’re a parent and you buy them clothes from Hot Topic, and your gamer wears said clothes into Hot Topic, the clerks will know. Oh, yes, they will know. And their blank, ever-judging stares will burn deep into your gamers psyche, tormenting them for the rest of their lives. It is a shame they will never be able to live down. Their lives will be ruined forever and they’ll never be able to leave the house again. Just ask any teenager.
I hope to have provided you some insight into buying presents for your gamer. You’ll see a lot of lists for items you should buy your gamer but only RPGCentric provides you with a list to help you save face and not embarass yourself and your gamer thoroughly. You’re welcome.